How Do You Build Community When You're Convinced Everyone Hates You?

If you spend time on the liberal/lefty side of the internet, you have most likely come across posts encouraging people to "be in community" or "get involved in your community". Usually those posts contain a list of suggestions like "start a____" or "organize a ___". They are all great ideas, but often completely unapproachable for a whole chunk of the population.

More Connected Than Ever, and More Lonely

For most of my clients, a nearly universal experience is being alienated or isolated from a group of people. Whether it's schoolyard bullying, a friendship or romantic relationship breakup, or simply being labeled "the weird one". Feeling like a group of people don't want you around can have a profound impact on feelings of connectedness and personal power. Depending on when this happened, and how long the isolation continued, it can leave people convinced that nobody wants them around, and that they are forever doomed to isolation and loneliness.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a common issue for most people with ADHD. It's an intense sadness and feeling of isolation when someone feels rejected. (Feeling rejected is entirely subjective. It's a perception thing, not so much a fact that they were rejected.) This is partly connected to the very real phenomenon of getting corrected over and over again. By some estimates ADHD children recieve more than 20,000 negative comments in school by the time they are 10. Being told that you're "doing it wrong" repeatedly, by adults or by peers can have a profound impact on how confident someone feels in starting something, or in reaching out.

Difficulty meeting new people can stem from multiple areas. Fear of rejection can be due to RSD, a history of being bullied, or clinically diagnoseable social anxiety disorder. Dislike or discomfort with meeting new people can be simple introversion (gaining energy from being alone, and quickly running out of energy in social situations) or it can be from not knowing what the rules and expectations are and having difficulty navigating social interactions, as is common in autism. Humans are social beings, we are wired for connection, and we struggle when we cannot connect with others.

The combination of emotional fragility, the societal focus on individual success, the shift of so much of our social interaction to online spaces, and the all-or-nothing approach to some forms of activism creates a situation where people desperately want to be part of something, but are convinced that they will be rejected if they try to join.

So much has been already been said about the disappearance of "third spaces", and opportunities for people to gather outside their houses without spending money. The dramatic shifts in our culture have left a void where organizations like churches created a central gathering point for people. If you live in a suburban or rural area, the need to drive to access community is even more challenging.

All You Need To Do Is Show Up

Being in community doesn't necessarily mean being friends with people. I've come to think of it as being known to others; where your presence or absence is noted. The absolute best example of this is going to your local farmer's market. My family is fortunate to have a robust weekly market that runs year-round. We have made it a habit to go every weekend and do much of our shopping there. We have gotten to know the farmers, and they have gotten to know us. We bought wine for our wedding from one of the vendors, and market folk are watching our kids grow up. We know the rhythms of each other's lives, and when we are late, or absent, it's noticed and commented on next time we see our favorite vendors. When someone stops vending at the market, we feel that loss.

In the spirit of starting to be known to people without needing to organize anything, here are some ideas to start building community. The key is consistency, start to recognize faces, even if you don't know names. It may take time before you feel like you're a member of a community, but if people recognize you in a space, then that's a start. Start with the ones with the lowest demand and lowest cost to your energy and wallet and go from there.

In-Person Community

• Wave to your neighbors, even if you never say "Hi."
• Vote in your local elections.
• Say "Yes" to things. Whether it's a call for volunteers, or helping a friend move.
• Join the Y, or other fitness center and go at the same time each week.
• Go to the library, sign up for and attend a free program.
• Attend school events for your kids.
• Go to the local festival/parade/events your town hosts.
• Go to your local farmer's market, even if you only buy one thing.
• Shop at the grocery store at the same day/time each week.
• Become a regular at a particular coffee shop/restaurant/bar/store.
• Respond to invitations to participate in events, even if it's a one-off event.
• Sign up for a class in something you might like to learn about.

Sometimes in-person community is not an option, whether for accessibility reasons, or lack of time/energy/money/transportation. Online community can be helpful, but cannot fully take the place of in-person connections. There is also the danger of what my friend has called "Internet Community Colony Collapse", as social media platforms shift and change.

Online Community

• Read the local newspaper (most have digital versions!)
• Join geographically local Facebook/Reddit/Discord/Next-Door groups.
• Join interest-based online groups. Participate in the discussions.
• Attend virtual events, like conferences or networking groups.

Being in community is often inconvenient. My elderly neighbor often asks me for help or advice with something, and it can be tricky to balance that with household or childcare tasks. But I do it, because it's important. Helping a friend move, providing emotional labor on a social media post asking for support, or getting the specified canned good for the school's food drive are all kind of inconvenient. But in a community, we do the inconvenient, annoying things, in the hope that when we have a need that is inconvenient or annoying, that others will help us out as well.

Start small, and give it time.

Take good care of yourselves.