Grief Is An Appropriate Response

My heart hurt for weeks in January and February. A sharp ache in my chest that is the tell-tale sign that I am not ok.  While it has shifted recently, it’s hovering in my peripheral vision. Still present, but less acute. It is grief, sadness, fear, and anger, by turns and all mixed together. There is much to grieve, and Americans are shit at grief. We believe we need to push past it and “get over it” so that we can get back to being good little worker bees for the sake of the economy.

I will pause here to say that the mainstream understanding of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief is often taken out of context. Kubler-Ross developed those stages for people with terminal illness to grieve the end of their lives, but the model has been adopted and adapted to apply to those who have experienced loss.  Tonkin’s Model of Grief, (growing around your grief, or the ball and the box models) Meaning Reconstruction Theory and Four Tasks of Grieving are more contemporary models used in grief work.

 Many graduate programs that train therapists have little, if any, specific training around grief and loss, and therapists are left to figure it out on their own, often to the detriment of their clients' progress. My understanding of grief shifted dramatically after taking a training with thanatologist (grief specialist) Christine Zampitella, PsyD. I use what I learned in that training frequently.

Grief sucks. And in a culture that really only makes space for grief connected to the death of someone known to the griever, there are a huge variety of griefs that go unrecognized. Grief that is unrecognized can turn into grief that is unresolved, leaving the griever stuck in a state of limbo: simultaneously feeling terrible, and feeling upset with themselves that they feel terrible and can’t “get over” what they are grieving.

I'm going to get really nerdy here: One such type of unresolved grief is disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief occurs when people are denied the right to grieve. It can be due to how a loss occurred, or due to the size of the grief. Others may minimize the impact of the grief to the griever. Examples are grieving the end of the relationship, including as the person initiating the breakup, grief over events that happen across the country or across the world, the death of a celebrity you’ve never met, or discovering that a beloved creator has behaved in atrocious and harmful ways. There is also more existential grief surrounding loss of safety and major changes in the environment and government.  Are we “allowed” to grieve something that is happening to someone else, or the loss of something not alive? Simply: yes. All grief is relevant and should be given space.  

The impact of constant information overload from news and social media can make people question if they are “allowed” to feel upset about something, given that others are experiencing “worse”. When we compete in the trauma Olympics we all lose, because we don’t give ourselves space to grieve the loss that we are experiencing. Others’ greater suffering does not minimize your own.

In the past months I have personally experienced grief over the fires in LA, confirmation that one of my favorite authors has behaved in unforgivably harmful ways, thus tainting his work, and the slew of executive orders out of the White House that directly impact my friends, my therapy clients, and threaten, by extension, my livelihood.

Grief is an experience, not simply a set of feelings. It is a thing you move through. Emotions are often varied and variable. Anger, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, numbness, and guilt are all normal, and it’s possible to feel all of them, or only one or two. Body reactions are common, including muscle tension, trouble eating or sleeping, shakiness, fatigue, headaches and tearfulness. There’s a reason we call it “heartbreak”: that pain and tightness in the chest is a very common reaction to grief.

Grief takes time. A normal grieving process can take 6-12 months for the death of a loved one. Complicated grief, including disenfranchised grief can take much longer than that. Until 2013, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), limited bereavement to 2 months, only recognized the grief if it was the loss of a loved one, and if symptoms persisted after 2 months then the client was diagnosed Major Depression. In the updated DSM, there is a diagnosis of "Prolonged Grief Disorder", but that has it's own issues. There are often limited or non-existent bereavement policies in most workplaces. And people wonder why they're still upset months or years later if they haven't been given time to grieve!

How do you move through grief? The first thing is to allow yourself to feel the feelings without judgement or hesitation. There may be times when you can’t fully attend to the emotion due to other responsibilities like work or parenting, but try to get back to it when you can. Simply acknowledging the emotions is a good place to start.

· Take deep, slow breaths.

· Allow yourself to cry when you need to

· Move your body gently (walking, dancing, stretching, even yard work)

·Prioritize getting enough sleep.

· Eat in ways that fuel your body, and your mind. Find the balance between vegetables and chocolate.

· Drink enough water.

· Take care of your body. (Massage, acupuncture other other body work, go to your medical appointments)

· Find creative outlets, writing, drawing, coloring, crafting etc.

· As tempting as it is to withdraw from others, leaning on your connections for support is also very important. Even being in the same room as others without talking can help.

· Talk through your feelings with a trusted family member or friend. Being in the yuck together usually makes it more bearable than being in the yuck by yourself.

· Consider therapy if it’s available to you.

For myself, I am focusing on eating in ways that work for me, while not limiting the amount of chocolate. I try to drink enough water, and check my caffeine alcohol consumption. I spend time with my friends and family. I'm going contra dancing when I can't go to the gym. I'm going to all of my bodywork and medical appointments as I heal an injury. I'm attending my own therapy and consultation group. This newsletter was started as a place to share my thoughts about all of the stressors. I buy myself flowers for my home and office. I knit while I'm watching shows that take me out of my day-to-day.

Experiment with what works well for yourself. Allow yourself to feel. Your grief is not silly or too big.

Take good care of yourselves.

Is there something you'd like me to cover? A question about mental health, therapy, teenagers, parenting or my opinion on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Please let me know!