Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

A few months ago, after my fifth conversation that week about healthy boundaries and the importance of having boundaries I wanted to throw something. Over and over I was hearing folks say that they're "not allowed to say no", or "nobody told them they could have limits", or "If I say no, then they'll get mad", or "they won't listen, so I don't get to have that boundary". That's where the above statement came from. Teach your kids to have boundaries so that they don't have to learn it in my office!

The poet Robert Frost wrote in Mending Wall
He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
‘Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I’d ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.’

Sometimes we are keeping things in, and sometimes we are keeping things out. Outside of fields and forest, good, sturdy boundaries and limits are important to getting along with others. We all have internal limits on what we will tolerate, and guidelines on what we will do if someone breaches what we will tolerate. And confusing definitions about rules/boundaries/limits can make setting and holding personal boundaries very challenging.

Definitions:

A rule is an ask or expectation that we set on other people's behavior. A boundary is an expectation that we set about our own behavior. As a parent a rule I set is "don't climb on me". The boundary would be "If you keep climbing on me, I will get up and leave." And then when my kids keep climbing, I will get up and leave. A professional boundary I set is that I don't respond to non-emergency client messages on Sunday. Folks can contact me, but I won't respond until I'm in the office.

The biggest misconception I see about boundaries is that when boundaries are pushed, it means that someone is not allowed to have them. Or that when a request for changed behavior is met with anger or is ignored that it means that the boundary isn't allowed. There are many family systems where any request for changed behavior is met with anger and dismissiveness. This can make it very hard to hold boundaries for yourself! Abuse, enmeshment, and parentified child situations are family dynamics where these skills are not only not taught, but are actively discouraged. Many people feel shame for not being able to set and hold effective limits, but also feel guilt when they do set them.

Problem Solving:

Boundaries also need to be clearly communicated. A quiet "I don't like that" is likely to be ignored, especially in family dynamics where porous boundaries are the norm. "Please stop _____(name behavior)" is a full sentence, and while polite, is very clear. The boundary statement would be "If you don't stop (problem behavior) I will (your action)". And usually the action is something like not continuing the conversation, leaving the situation, etc. It's not meant to be a threat.

Kids are absolutely allowed and should be encouraged to set boundaries and limits about their bodies and communication. They are people, just young and inexperienced people. Boundaries around privacy for changing, tickling, hugging, ways we speak to them, etc. are all healthy limits for them to set. Being able to set age-appropriate limits as children sets them up to be better able to negotiate tricky peer dynamics as a teen or adult.

The grownups need to step in and enforce the health, safety, and behavioral expectations, because they're children. Just because my preschooler doesn't want to take a bath doesn't mean he gets to avoid it. On the other hand, if one of my kids says "Mom, I don't like it when you ___" that's an opportunity to discuss it further. And that's a healthy limit for them to express.

Relationships are complicated. Limits, boundaries, expectations and communication are all challenging. But everyone deserves to have body boundaries, and emotional boundaries and to have others respect those limits.

Take good care of yourselves.